Take one: Crash...Boom...Bang

Wow, those past two months were really something. From the moment that I learnt that my candidacy exam was materializing, I started to feel stressed. I was encouraged by several people and advised not to worry about it. "It will be fine!", "If I can pass, you can definitely pass"...sweet words, but apparently, you are not me.

I had a great idea that I was very passionate about for the grant proposal. Put it on paper, and you know, I'm not the messiest of writers really. Wrote it down, filled in the spaces...looked decent. After review, I was advised to take out a few parts from the introduction, and put more details in the methodology. Cut and paste, cut and paste, snip snip snip....it's deadline eve....@#%($&@#$%_^(&

What the heck am I doing? It seemed disjointed and lacked flow. If there's anything I hate to read is something that lacks flow, because it seems as confusing as I am.

Anyway, tick tock, I had to submit. Send...message sent...to all my committee members.

I knew I blew it!

I knew there were loads of mistakes, yet, a deadline is a deadline, right?

@$%^($&^(@_$%(^&*%(_#_

I was told, they won't even read it until the night before...well, guys, even though maybe some won't read it until the night before, they have to read something good, not something that I personally would frown upon reading, right? 

Anyway, the last 2 days before my actual exam where I had to present in front of my committee were hell. I was way too stressed, because I knew the writing was bad.

Come the day of the exam, when I had barely slept the night before, I was all nerves. I haven't seen myself that nervous in a loooooooooooooooooooooong time. Usually, I'm comfortable presenting in front of people, this time, no. I was way too nervous, the pointer slipped out of my hand while presenting, it was obvious to me and to them that something was wrong.

The questions started and once the first person pointed out some mistakes in the grant, I completely lost it. I didn't cry or anything, my nerves took over and they were on autopilot. I just couldn't think anymore. As in all I could answer was a fraction of what I actually knew and my logic just went ethereal. 

I passed conditionally (you'll say, at least they didn't fail you, technically, both are the same for me). I have to re-write my grant, which on the plus side, is what I wanted to do anyway. Then submit it again for them to read, after which they will pick a date to discuss it with me again, without me having to present.

After 3 days of uncontrolled visceral weeping, things don't look so bad. I met up with my supervisor who was very sweet and understanding. Started replying to some text messages and emails, picking up the phone (which I don't normally, I hate phones).

I guess I'm lucky to have a second chance to show what I really can do sans nerves (no, drugs and drinking are not an option....though I did consider them at one point....what? Did I just say that? No, ignore the last sentence). 

Everyone told me that I'll get through this and that I'm a tough person. Maybe. I stopped myself from jumping on the first plane to Egypt, although there's nothing I wanted more that to be in my room among family and friends. I was embarrassed to see anybody, but you know what...that won't help. I'll have to deal with people sooner or later and I chose to do it sooner, let's get this sulkiness and mopiness over with. I screwed up and I know it. It happens. I have my ups and downs like everyone. If sports have taught me anything, it's that you after an injury, give yourself time to heal and you jump back on the horse. A hard lesson I learnt from the beautiful horse "Banafseg" who threw me twice off him on the rocky platform, I was lucky I didn't break my back and get paralysed then, but after healing I showed "Banafseg" who was boss.

I believe in second chances.

Take 2 will be better.